Pushing them away again...

Well....I am now pushing close friends away again....even though I dont ever try to do that, I sometimes screw up and sometimes there is no one by my side to help me, so I just have to take the fall for things, when its true or false. To the friends who I pushed away, you know who you are, I'm sorry. I have depression and this is how it was created, by the years of friends leaving me and people hating me when I try to talk, annoying people and friends when I try so hard not to do that because I know that if I do, I will push them away. I just dont want to loose anyone again, especially my close friends that I have made, I sometimes do the Pigmen method, which is when you are in a fight with a friend, their friends come at you, ganging up on you till you cry or committ sucide, what do I do? I try to be a good friend but I alot of times I screw up, I feel like sometimes my fetish gets in the way, Im sorry but its apart of me, and I hope that my friends will accept me and my fetish, and I know those who have, thank you. I hope that the friends I have hurt,annoyed, or got angry at me will know that I am sorry and I hope that our friendship doesnt end or change.